You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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