He told me they were just razor bumps!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
