I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
