...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
