I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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