Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
