Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
