I wish my penis had an off switch
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dear god my vagina.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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