I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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