remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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