6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
