I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
