My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
