I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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