I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
