Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
