I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
