Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
