Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
