I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
