not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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