Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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