I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
