i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
