Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
