apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We are two peas in an std pod
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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