Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
