He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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