the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
