when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
