you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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