I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
