I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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