I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
