blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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