I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
