One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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