I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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