I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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