Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
