I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
