Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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