if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
