so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
