You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
