I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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