Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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