Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
