and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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