You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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