I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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