what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
