i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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