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Sry I called you an 8
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
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